Dr. Mary C. Lamia

Our emotions are wonderfully designed to provide us with information and motivation. They influence our lives by silently directing the decisions we make. Your emotions are informing you of a possible disruption in your connection with your baby. Your thought is that you have "separation anxiety," but the emotions behind it are likely distress, fear, sadness, guilt, and other feelings as well. If we step back and imagine living hundreds of years ago, it would seem rather strange for humans to leave their babies. You feel "separation anxiety" because you are attached as you should be. Children do adapt, given they are with good caregivers, but that does not remove the loss we may experience from separation, especially if we prefer to remain at home with the child. Understand that you feel as you do because that is what a mother who has closely bonded emotionally with her 2-year-old is supposed to feel under the circumstances. I do not believe it is something to "overcome." But, instead, these feelings are something to acknowledge and accept if you decide to go back to work at this time.

Embarrassment, which is related to the core emotion of shame, is something all humans experience. Often we are relieved when we can admit our hesitation to say or do something because we are fearful about the possibility of experiencing shame. As well, when we can express what it is that creates shame in us to someone who is accepting and helps us understand why we feel the way we do, it can be a tremendous relief. So if an individual closes up when they meet a therapist, hopefully the therapist will be able to recognize the difficulty and help the patient learn from it.

In the context you mention, psychotherapists are quite different depending on their theoretical orientation and their personal approach to treatment. Is therapy for many years better than a short-term fix? Impossible to say. Some therapists focus on the process of treatment, where there seems to be beginning, middle, and end phases. Others have a specific protocol depending upon the symptoms presented. Then there are those who are flexible in their approach and treat the presenting issues and are available if later issues arise and the patient wants to return. Your question is complex and the answer depends on many factors, including financial ones. Nevertheless, it is a very interesting question that I will present to my graduate students for discussion as I believe they should be aware of their own biases in this regard.

Often it is best to talk to a child when he is not having a meltdown, rather than at the time. Bedtime can be a time to tuck him in and be curious about what he is feeling when he runs off in a meltdown. But tread lightly and make sure the question is phased in a way that doesn't shame the child. When we can't put feelings into words sometimes the only recourse is a meltdown. It's important to help children find words for what they feel at any given moment, but when they are in the middle of a meltdown, it's impossible.

Rather than see a mental health professional, it is important for teens to remain connected to their parents. A psychiatrist or psychologist cannot "stop any issues before they start." However, a strong relationship between parent and child can be protective.