The Three Tenets to Create Happiness
Claudia Skowron is a licensed clinical professional counselor who has also attained her CADC certification. She graduated summa cum laude from Illinois State University earning her Master’s Degree in Clinical-Counseling Psychology. Her previous experience consists of working in a community mental health center in Central... more
“I just want to be happy.” This is arguably the number one treatment goal that clients have when they come into the office. Many have lost the feeling of happiness for quite some time and don’t know how to get it back. But what is happiness, really? And how do you tackle such a large goal clinically? We know happiness is extremely subjective and aiming for a feeling as opposed to behavior is even more challenging. As such, I have developed what I believe is the ‘foundation of happiness.’ In order for us to grow anything, including emotions, we need a solid foundation. The following three tenets can be viewed as a guide to help create that foundation.
Tenet 1: Opposite to Emotion Action
Opposite to emotion action is a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) skill that states, in short, we should do the opposite of what our emotional urge is telling us to do. That is, if you are fearful, instead of running away, you should approach the stimulus causing fear. In theory, this sounds simple. However, in application, rarely does it work this flawlessly. So how do we use opposite to emotion action with happiness? Instead of going from one extreme to the other, take the first baby step to not feed into an unpleasant emotion. For example, if I feel sad and have a tendency to isolate in my room with the lights off, I can use opposite to emotion action by turning the lights on. The goal is to not feed into the behavioral urge of the unpleasant emotion, in this case, sadness. If something isn’t fed for long enough, it loses its strength; emotions act parallel.
Tenet 2: Self-Compassion
Innately, humans have a tendency to express compassion toward others. If we see someone in emotional pain, we extend love and care. If someone has made a mistake, we tell him/her it’s okay and forgive. And if someone gets off track with their goals, we show empathy. However, the same does not apply to ourselves. Idealistic standards and perfection are a personal goal, and when we are not able to achieve this standard we berate with negative self-talk and judgment. Practicing self-compassion, extending that same warmth and kindness that we extend to others to ourselves, is vital. Giving ourselves permission to be human, to make mistakes, to feel unpleasant emotions, and to be okay with it aids in the foundation of happiness.
Tenet 3: Positive Goals/Activities
Life can become mundane and dismal if we do not have something we are working towards or looking forward to. In fact, there is a strong correlation between many of the clients I see who struggle with happiness and a lack of goals or upcoming positive activities. Creating positive goals or activities generates purpose, and executing those goals and activities releases dopamine. Further, daily positive activities can help shift mindset (eg. going for a run, calling a friend, treating yourself to a nice dinner), and larger goals (eg. planning a trip, signing up for a marathon, saving for a new car) provides excitement for the future.
Assessing our own perspective on these three tenets and identifying which principle(s) need ‘more work’ can help us solidify our own objectives to work on. Happiness is a feeling, a mindset, and a continued daily choice; create a solid ‘happiness foundation’ for yourself.
