“Has my mother's illness affected my wife?”

She may be very sensitive. She needs supportive psychotherapy.

Yes, of course it can. Hope and help are extremely important as well as seeking help - support groups, counseling or seeing a psychiatrist

Yes, it could, but on the other hand, your wife loves her mom and wants to do the best she can to help her. She would feel worse if she was not "There " nor "Available" to her mother. I would let your wife do as she chooses, but help her (your wife ) with anything you can, so she feels less burdened in other areas. You might suggest doing fun things now & then, when time permits, going on an outing together, getting out in the sun, enjoying each other's company, holding her hand...Telling her how much you love her. (your wife, I mean). Tell her you are amazed at her dedication to her mom, but suggest she might need a break now and then , for herself. That she will wear herself out, if all she does is care for her own mom (& she will). Do your best in a hard situation. Death is no fun for anyone. My own mom recently died and I myself am having a very hard time coping...I tried to be there as much as possible for my own mom, as did my 2 brothers and my 3 daughters. But my mom still died and it is very painful for all of us.

Yes

Yes.

Yes by all means. It is emotional stress and physical exhaustion that affect your wife. Also most likely she feels guilty that she cannot do something more for her mother. Your wife is depressed which causes irritability, anger, hopelessness, helplessness, feeling overwhelmed.
Mild antianxiety medication may help some. But the best way to help your wife is to have someone like a nurse or home health care relief her 2 to 3 times a week. It would allow your wife to have some time for her.

Yes- you are right, your wife should talk with a psychiatrist that uses medications when this is appropriate.

Hello, 

Caring for a bedridden patient should not be a cause for emotional upheaval. But when it is done constantly, without any help, it can be very tiring and emotionally burdensome. It takes at least three or four people taking turns to tend to a bedridden person with multiple health problems. If your wife is the only person available to take care of your mother, it is my advice that either you find help for her or put your mother in a nursing home, where she can be taken care of appropriately. You have to compare the costs of having your mother at home and paying three people to take care of her versus the cost of a nursing home. If the situation you describe continues, it will cause severe emotional disturbances for your wife. 

Victor M. Santiago-Noa, MD.

Yes. One needs to both care for yourself and others. Selfishness is bad, and selflessness is, too.

I think that you know that the answer is yes. I can't help but wonder why your wife is the sole caretaker of your mother and you are not involved at all. I don't know what realities you face that prevent you from being more involved in your mother's care, but I highly recommend that you shift your priorities if at all possible to make that happen. Unless, of course, you are particularly unskilled at being with your mother and your presence and participation with her makes her worse off than if you are not involved! In any case, your wife needs what is known as "respite care," in other words, someone else to care for your mother so that she gets a break from it now and then. 

She probably needs a daily break (for a couple of hours), a weekly break (for a half or whole day), and some vacation breaks (a whole week at a time to take a trip away every few months). If you can't take over for her and there are no relatives or friends that can step in, at least for the longer breaks, there is a service covered by insurance whereby a family can check their loved one into a nursing home for the week to be cared for while they take their "respite." If you do not help your wife get some respite, then you will end up with two women in your family who will be incapacitated and need someone to care for them. She should probably also get evaluated by a mental health professional to make sure she is not having even more serious trouble than you suspect.

Dr. Nagode

The short answer is that your mother's condition has undoubtedly affected your wife. I also want to convey my sympathies for your very trying situation. The caretaker role for anyone as debilitated as your mother is tremendously burdensome, but this scenario adds another dimension -- a "love triangle" of a different sort where the individual relationships between the three of you all stand to be challenged. Whether this is having a "bad" effect on your wife thus depends on each household member's point of view. In any event, all caregivers need respite, and I would encourage your wife to seek information and support through an agency (e.g., one dedicated to your mother's primary health problems, your city or county department of aging, or hospice, if your mother has been admitted to the same) or a formal individual mental health assessment with a psychiatrist or therapist.