S. Faye Snyder, PsyD, is a psychologist and marriage and family therapist, as well as originator of the Causal Theory, founder of the Parenting and Relationship Counseling Foundation (PaRC) and author of The Manual: The Definitive Book on Parenting and the Causal Theory. Dr. Snyder maintains a private practice in Granada Hills and has 28 years of experience specializing in trauma relationship skills, parenting attachment, difficult case, forensic evaluations, sex offending, and anger management. Dr. Snyder became highly interested in philosophy and theory as an undergraduate at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. It was during those years she began to think like a theoretician. She attended California Graduate Institute in West Los Angeles, for her master??s degree, originally to understand how therapists were trained and to seek clues explaining why she encountered a string of sixteen therapists who couldn??t help her followed, at last, by a marriage and family therapist who could help her turn her life around in under a year. This very need to understand theories of psychology and systems later sent her off to the Department of Family and Children??s Services. After a string of experiences with DCFS she also developed concerns about their theories, training and practices. Snyder visited accredited and approved schools and elected to study at California Graduate Institute, an approved school, because the classes were smaller, more convenient for the mother of an infant, and they were more affordable. Since then, Dr. Snyder has become a champion of small schools, claiming that accredited schools are often economically and politically driven. She is a member of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, the Los Angeles County Psychological Association, the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and the California Association of Anger Management Providers.
Education and Training
PsyD in Family Therapy at California Graduate Institute
Board Certified in Sex Offenders
Anger Management and Domestic Violence
Dr. S. Faye Snyder PSY.D's Expert Contributions
I have a controversial question to ask. Was she depressed before the diagnosis? Ask her. Sometimes Postpartum Depression is the best kept secret. Mothers put the baby in a room and close the door and watch tv until dad comes home and then hand him over to dad to take care of, "Here, I've been taking care of him all day. Please take over." Autism is usually reversible by age two, if you engage him, enjoy him, have fun with him, pet him, sooth him, make eye contact, etc. No abandonments. No daycare. Have fun, Hold him. Read stories to him. Cuddle him when he cries, because he MAY have a lot of heartbreak and rejection to release. Enjoy him. That may bring up the postpartum depression about how she was neglected as an infant, and she can excuse herself and cry and cry until she gets her heartbreak out. Then, go back and nurture the baby, and enjoy giving him what she never got and modeling for her parents what motherhood should look like. Help her out too. Take over and do the same. It's sweet revenge and so much fun, if you can get into the miracle. READ MORE
Is it a valid hobby, or is she breaking the bank? She might be a great professional shopper or buyer. She might be ignoring her child(ren) which would be serious and require family therapy. If she is ignoring you, pay attention to her. Take her to dinner and a movie. Date her. Court her. If she is breaking the bank, it's a problem. She knows it. She is filling up a hole from her childhood. She may have seen a lot of privilege and beautiful things that others had or been parented by lots of shiny things to assuage guilt for not being available. She feels deprived inside and enjoys getting things. Ask her if there is an end. Sometimes a person is just catching up and getting everything that is needed. If there is no end, ask her if she would go to a shopaholic's version of AA. Therapy might be a good idea. Find a specialist in addictions. Create a reasonable allowance and take the cards away. READ MORE
I am always anxious and have been this way for the last 7 years. What can I do to get a break from this anxiety?
So, anxiety usually is caused by early childhood insecurity or separation anxiety. There is a feeling of insignificance, emptiness or something to fit your interpretation of neglect at an early age. Maybe you also buried a trauma that never got expressed. In any event, sometimes we nurture or need our parents after we are adults, because we were insufficiently nurtured. Then, when they die, we know we will never get that hole filled. You need to address your neglect as a child, perhaps in therapy, talking about it and crying it out. After that, you begin to nurture yourself and following you dreams. READ MORE
Anti-depressants are not reliable. They work for some and backfire on others. They are actually a chemical lobotomy that make hit the right spot or not. If you stop taking them you can get to the heart of the matter. Usually people who are depressed were neglected at an early age and are forbidden to know it or say it. If you talk to your therapist about your early childhood, you will probably burn it up naturally. READ MORE
Forgetfulness, in my humble opinion, is the result of being a child who was under orders: Don't do this. Do this. Now do this. You have more to do. Do this. It is a child who has to obey and wire her actions to someone else orders. Or, it could be a childhood where there was simply no training in where to keep things. When that happens a person is not organized in their mind. They don't learn to focus on their own systems and create their own order and planning. If they get over extended, it is worse. Much worse. So, Rx: Don't get over extended. Cut down on responsibilities. Organize your life and your system. Make time to sit. The intrusive thoughts can come in then, and they are the thoughts that often want a solution. Sit, pay attention to your thoughts and know that they need to be addressed. The more current you get (caught up), the less you will forget. READ MORE
You didn't say what the hallucination was. I think it is related to an unprocessed memory. Can you find truth in the nightmarish hallucination? What have you refused to remember, face, reveal? Buried trauma is relentless, when given the opportunity to express itself. Once we process it (allow memory and feelings), we are relieved. READ MORE
I don't think so. You can get temporary relief. You need to get in touch with the cause of your depression. The most invisible causes are early childhood abandonment depression or neglect, often not remembered or acknowledged. If you know the reason, you have a head start. You need to talk about the feelings and the messages your mind believes that come with them. These are lies we have learned to believe, that we have to dismantle, as well as to process the feelings from whence they came. READ MORE
Therapists don't read minds. This may be an issue from infancy when your primary caregiver failed to read your mind. Not sure. But, you get the most from therapy by going in and telling the therapist what is going on with you, and then you can get feedback and guidance. (Of course, this depends on the therapist. Some don't think symptoms are caused, but rather think they are inborn. That's a shame.) READ MORE
Psychotropic medications always have side effects. Therapy is a better idea. But, if this is your avenue of treatment, then you need to get your meds adjusted. READ MORE
Early attachment trauma makes later-in-life-trauma worse. In other words, if a child had insufficient attachment or broken attachments in the first three or four years of life, then that grown child, next to a securely attached grown child, would have a harder time in the trenches in war or in rape. So, first question: Was she securely attached in early childhood. Second question: did she see a trauma therapist? You can't heal trauma just by talking about it. And, trauma victims don't like talking about it. READ MORE
He's 78 years old. Everything starts to go, sometimes in the wrong order that we would have it happen. Talk to him. Ask him what it's like to see dead relatives. Would he like to talk to them? Does he have unfinished business he'd like to express? The older we get, the weaker our mental facilities, the better our memories of the good old days. Maybe he'd like to talk about those times. Maybe about 15 minutes a day would be lovely. READ MORE
Find a therapist in your area that specializes in anorexia. READ MORE
Both. READ MORE
Negative thoughts are learned. They are usually lies we learned. They usually include a rule not to discuss them. If you can face them, understand their origins, find the lies in them and discredit them by realizing they are wrong, you can heal yourself. If you believe they are true and ruminate over them, you are what I call, "loitering", and making yourself worse. You have to find the cruel message you have learned to believe and discredit it. READ MORE
The most wonderful thing about being a woman is our period. The most unrecognized gift of womanhood is discredited. When we have our period, our unfinished business from earlier years is brought up to us, so we can face what we have avoided. Face the messages and feelings and find the source, as well as the lies. Discredit these thoughts (that cause the feelings), cry if there is unprocessed emotions for a former injury, and you should be good to go. READ MORE
This behavior is not inborn. It was learned. As his parent, you probably have a better idea than anyone, except him, as to why he fears exams. Address the issue. See the cause. Discuss it. If you had any part of the cause, apologize and reassure. If you didn't have any part of the cause, apologize for not seeing him clearly enough, talking and understanding clearly enough, and tell him now that you hear, see and understand, you are sure that he need not fear his exams. All he has to do is continue to do his best, and that will always be enough for you and for him. There is no one who can reassure him and help to heal his injury like you. Dr. Faye READ MORE
There is no such thing as a bad dream. All dreams are magnificent messages from our subconscious mind to our conscious mind to push us to stop repressing information from our awake-state lives. If something bad or threatening is happening to us and we don't address it, we will continue to have warning dreams. It helps to review the dream for clues. Is the person running, floating, falling, fighting, searching, lost, afraid of abandonment or loss, etc. Such are issues to be addressed that are presently being denied. Sit with him and discuss his dreams in depth. Let him tell you everything about it. Ask him if it reminds him of anything from his recent life. If he says, "No," ask, "Are you sure?" Then, you can leave it at that. The relevance may surface for him later. If not, rewind and try again. You are his healer. You are his confidante, hopefully. Give him understanding, which may be all he needs. If he is able to tell you something that is disturbing to him, take it seriously. Give empathy. Try not to give criticism, correction, or opinions. Don't rush in to fix anything that he can fix. Listen and try to understand. Dr. Faye READ MORE
I believe bipolar is only treatable if the patient is committed to the treatment. That's true for everyone, but especially bipolar personalities, because they have had some religious experiences due to their trauma, which helped them to overcome feelings of inadequacy. However, these experiences make them feel so special, that they are a set up for failure. If they wanted to overcome bipolar, they would have to review and face their trauma, the misinformation that the trauma entailed, and learn new coping mechanisms that mama and dad never taught them. I find that bipolar personality types had high-functioning role models (parents?) in their lives, but were offered little coaching by these very busy, otherwise preoccupied parents. So, the expectation to perform is high and the skills are low. That leads to deep depression and feelings of inadequacy, that are so excruciating they have led to trauma and ultimately dissociation. The dissociation produces exhilarating self-assuring messages of superiority, expansiveness, or grandiosity, born of a genetic theory that people are inherently who they are. So, now they see that they are inherently divine. All of us are born Divine, in my opinion. Childhood experiences disavow us or confirm these beliefs, which can lead to a lack of humility. So, this injured soul believes she has inborn superior powers, which she now acts out. Since they are born of vivid fantasy, they are not grounded. These fantasies are a set-up for failure. Hence, the grown child falls into a depression until the boost resurfaces. Healing from bipolar will require the extended coaching mama and daddy never offered that leads to earning our way constructively and the experiences that enhance problem-solving. READ MORE
Depression, from loss or injury, that has lasted a lifetime could possibly lead to dementia if it never gets processed. Depression that has lasted a shorter time and is based in loss can be transcended with problem-solving and modification of expectations. When we get older, multitasking is not so good. Memory for names of people and things and dates can begin to escape us. These are traits of depression too. I don't know if they interact or could be mistaken one for the other. I say, lighten your load and practice focusing as much as you can when act. READ MORE
Absolutely, he needs help. He is on a short fuse because of a painful issue or issues he never fully addressed (faced, acknowledged, and expressed). Until he does, he will scapegoat others, even if those others are only plates. READ MORE
It depends upon her treatment. She needs to find out and spend some time discussing how she was treated as an infant. I believe mothers with postpartum have had something traumatic happen in their own infancy. It may be something that can never be uncalled, but the feeling can be visited, just as well. When we visit a feeling and process it, it goes away. For example, you can focus on your fear of picking up a baby until you imagine the end result of that fear and can scream, wail or cry it out. Postpartum results from an experience that had an accompanying message. It needs to be unraveled. Sometimes new experiences can invalidate the old message. There are ways to relax and revisit infancy, and I don't mean hypnosis. Healing depends upon one's willingness to humbly face our fears courageously, while loving the truth and observing the outcome and ourselves. READ MORE
Are you a father or mother? Either way why is he concerned? Who taught him there was anything wrong with his penis size? Discuss it. Many women prefer smaller penises, because they are not as painful. (Are you talking about how a penis is used in intercourse?) If you are a mother that's something to share. If you are a father, you can still share it and add that you believe your penis was that size when you were his age and that time may add size. Ultimately, the world cares what kind of man he becomes. READ MORE
You are self-conscious, because you fear you are not enough. That's a lie, but it's what you believe. From where did that lie come? You might want to talk back to an empty chair. After identifying the lie, you need to become curious about others. What do you do to set them at ease. If you can't see others, your introversion has become selfish. Sometimes, we have a fear of criticism because we were criticized too much or at unforgettable moments. Who did that to you? Are they still around? If so, tell them how it affected you, or tell them to stop, if they still do it. If they can't, avoid them. All this is to say find the source and rewrite your script, to include curiosity about the world. You don't want to die not having lived, because you worried about what other people thought. Frankly, for the most part, they don't care. They are too busy worrying about what others think of them. READ MORE
Absolutely yes, however, it depends upon to whom you are speaking if you want to know which is best. In my opinion the best treatment comes from the best theory and practice. I believe all behavior is caused by events of childhood, or sometimes adulthood. AA says, "If it's hysterical it's historical." I agree with that. A solid childhood would tend to make us resilient, and a sketchy childhood would tend to make us feel vulnerable or empty. If we have symptoms of inadequacy, we need to find out from where they came. I believe the more we understand the origins of our suffering, the easier it is to fix. There are three main, common origins of suffering: insecure attachment before the age of five, and especially the younger we were; families that blame together rather than self-reflect together; and repression ethics, that keep us from expressing our authentic selves, thoughts, feelings and all. If there is a therapist who overlooks these three causes, I suggest they will not be as effective or will have more fallout or side-effects. READ MORE
First she needs to review the truths of the accident and what lessons it offered, short of drama and exaggerations. When she is ready, you can sit with her as she drives around in a parking lot, then the block, then a familiar route. Each time, you can stop for an ice-cream done afterwards of a frozen yogurt. I had such an accident and I eventually drove up the coast of California to the Hearst Castle and stayed in a hotel that overlooked the ocean and had a jacuzzi. After achieving that goal and returning home I was fine to drive again. READ MORE
Anorexia can be fatal. Often it is the result of a secret shame, sometimes sexual abuse, other times physical or emotional abuse. It could be the result of a family secret or family ethic that it is not OK to express feelings or thoughts. Find what the source of her pain and begin to address it. READ MORE
Some heterosexual men cross dress. One told me it was because he didn't get enough nurturing from his mom and dressing like a woman was a way to fill up. Who told you that you had a small penis as a child? Shame on them. Often the size of a penis changes with age, and often women don't want a large penis, because it's too painful. So, shame on the grownups of your childhood who advised you wrongly. As you face your feelings of emptiness, perhaps from lack of nurturing, you may gradually not need to cross dress. However, it probably doesn't hurt anyone if you do. READ MORE
Yes. Coffee is addictive. However, is she medicating herself? Does she feel a lack of enough energy to do what she needs to do? If so, why? READ MORE
Hello there, Our first anxiety is experienced under the age of five when our parents hand us off to someone else. It could be caused by other reasons, though the research says the most intensive suffering humans ever endure is separation from our primary parent. It's called Separation Anxiety. In worse cases, with complete attachment breaks, it's Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). The younger we are and the longer the separation, the worse we suffer into our adult life. The other causes include shockers, such as when our parents scold or hit us for making a mistake or just get mad at us for not knowing what we "were supposed to know." The younger we were, the more anxiety we felt then and later. Anxiety can then generalize and become triggered later in life when we have experiences related to fear of not being good enough or more pointedly, a fear of rejection. As we get older, we develop other causes for anxiety related to rejection or inadequacy. We still fear not being good enough. Sometimes, that's the secret we even keep from ourselves and we can't let others know our true self, because they will discover our inadequacy. We are not free to be authentic, which is a huge tragedy for anyone to endure, especially for a lifetime. Then, if we have a secret we are keeping to protect someone else, even if it's something like, "I hate dad's drinking," we have buried and unresolved conflict. Whether we keep things to ourself or have been requested or demanded to do so, adds to our anxiety. The common denominator is a need to be authentic, which is threatened by a fear of loss if we are. Our bodies store our hidden suffering from others and us, but our bodies really don't want to. What is interesting is that when we let down, relax or do something mindless, buried trauma or unresolved conflict hurries to the surface, as if it has a chance to speak. If we let our guard down, these truths want to surface. Your job is to listen. You might want to take time to allow your issues to surface, so you can deal with them. You can lie down or meditate. Just wait. Don't try to think of anything. It will come to you and then you can observe what you are repressing. Seeing is change. Dr. Faye READ MORE
You can't transcend it until you understand it. If you pay attention to yourself, your history, your memories, and the way it feels instead of fearing the way it feels, you may get answers. Your fear will keep you from learning about yourself. It will magnify your fear. Fear of fear is an escalation of fear. Once you get answers, you can reason with yourself. You need to understand why you fear falling asleep. Did you nearly die once? Did you think you were going to die? It could have been at your birth or a time you can't remember. You may need to talk to you parent(s). Or, were you afraid someone else would die if you fell asleep? When did this start? You need to conquer your fear, and you are the only who can convince yourself that you won't die if you allow yourself to fall asleep. I used to have a fear of pain. I had bad migraines. My therapist told me to go into the pain instead of running from it. I thought he was CRAZY. But, what did I have to lose except one foreseen disaster? I discovered that the most inflammatory ingredient in pain is the fear of it. Facing my pain often dissolves it. I would try planning on dying. (Of course, you won't. The fear or thought won't make it so.) You need to go through the process, observing truth versus fact from beginning to end. Pay attention. Stay focused. Observe your process. Don't catastrophise. If you catastrophise, what is that about? Are you seeking to be rescued? Do you know that you can blow your entire life fearing fear? Get on with courage. If you can't conjure courage, conjure awareness while you are in it. I think that will help. Dr. Faye READ MORE
To me, if you wanted to go have fun, you probably would be escaping the lie for awhile. I'd say go for it. There are so many ways therapists approach depression. It would somewhat depend upon their approach. Here's mine: Depression comes from a deeply imbedded lie you learned about life, people, or yourself that you adopted when you were very young, formulating your world view. It would be a lie that your parents probably accidentally transmitted to you, or it came from some circumstance from which you inferred your premise for life. That lie is now interrupting your life and running the show. It's up to you to stop buying the lie, but to identify it and dismantle it for what it is: untrue. (You could have turned it into truth by following the lie. You can undo that.) Still, your job is to identify the lie and the sooner the better. Sample lies are: (1) You can't trust anyone (for which you must learn how to (a) assess people, to (b) accept that no one is in this world to meet your needs and think from your perspective, so all will and must eventually disappoint you, which is OK. You also need to (b) and stay away from situations or people who hurt you, rather than trying to change them). (2) I am not enough for someone to want me or to be in a relationship with me. (3) I am at risk for things going wrong no matter what I do. So, find the lie. Meditate. Relax. Allow yourself to do some reverie and see if you can go back in time and find out where that lie came from. Maybe you won't remember precisely, but you have a hunch. At some point, you have to redefine what you believe and begin practicing life based upon those new beliefs. You may have some undoing, repair, and catching up to do. It's all worth it. Dr. Faye READ MORE
Don't overcome it. Wait until your baby is at least three years old. The child will suffer abandonment trauma, otherwise, impairing her ability to trust, which is for a lifetime without therapeutic interventions. We are products of evolution. We are not evolved to be separated from our mothers (or possibly primary caregivers) until we are at least three. In some cultures, it is five years old, which is when Kindergarten was originally arranged. Babies separated earlier than that will be susceptible to ADHD and variations on separation anxiety. The reasons this information is not disseminated is beyond me, other than the pharmaceutical industry makes a ton of money for medicating children. Tattoo parlors, body piercings, street drugs, and raves may be symptomatic of youths that are insecurely attached. Children are not what they used to be since the we started placing them in daycare or othercare so young. If you want a child that stands out above the crowd, stay home one more year. Allow your child to become a resilient, creative, empathic, articulate, honorable leader, because she has the kind of confidence that comes from a secure attachment. Dr. Faye READ MORE
It is as normal as you make it. We have a social history of discrimination that still affects many people. Thus, many fear coming out of the closet, so they may need therapy to encourage them. Otherwise they are doomed to a secret life. In my opinion the only problem with bisexuality or homosexuality is social stigmas and lack of sufficient courage to be true to one's self in the face of it. The social stigma is waning due to brave souls who dare to live authentic lives. READ MORE
Kleptomania is a symptom of something else: feelings of deprivation, feeling cheated, teased or some sort of environment that makes the child feel like he isn't getting his. Sometimes it's too many siblings to get one-on-one attention from mom or dad. Sometimes its too much work for a child and not enough reward. Sometimes it's feeling inadequate, like the child who was sick too long and comes back to school feeling behind and inept. Sometimes its being in a social environment where the child's friends are more privileged and the child feels less than. These days it is often children who have been rescued by parents out of earning their recognition and rewards, thus feeling entitled. Find out why the child wants what he hasn't earned. Know that you have a part in it, so you don't have to be punitive. Have a talk with him about ethics and self-worth (earning what we have), and step up your time spent with him, coaching him to make good choices and do the work to earn the better things in life. READ MORE
I'm not an MD. I am a psychologist who works with many patients that suffer the side-effects of long-term uses of medication. The first thing I notice is that you did not mention what type of pain she is self-medicating. That seems to be significant in choosing what type of doctor. Further, if you don't mention it here, it begs the question whether you have a relationship with her where the thing that needs to be discussed the most is ignored the most. The question nagging me is why don't you know the reason she takes these pills? Where's the mother-daughter dialogue? I can't encourage you enough to talk with her more. If that's difficult, maybe a few sessions with a therapist (for you) would help you help her. Additionally, the more artificial means we use to kill pain the more we diminish our own abilities to manufacture natural pain killing chemicals. Also, pain is a warning sign that needs to be heeded. Whatever she is medicating needs attention. Lastly, many of us have learned from our parents rescuing us from emotional pain that pain is something we should not have to endure. Upon believing we should not have pain, we create a fear of or aversion of pain, which is a painful way to live and makes us prone to addiction. READ MORE
Grieving is a measure of meaning. If you had a deep love for your father, you will not likely finish grieving in one month. However, grieving needs to include crying Many people, especially men, try to bypass the crying and prolong the feelings of deep loss. Make time to grieve and then get up and go back to life. Do this every day until you don't need to do it every day. Gradually, you will grieve less and less. Some times we have a hard time accepting death, itself, when we don't live authentic and open lives. That creates a fear of death, generally. There is one other important factor here. When we did not finish up our relationship with a parent, saying what we needed to say, we have a tendency to suffer "complicated bereavement", which lasts longer. For example, if we suffered a bitter rejection that we pretended away to get along, we may now bear a festering wound. Complicated bereavement may not be transcended until we excavate buried injuries and process them with someone or an empty chair in which you pretend he is there so you can tell him what you still need to say. If you don't cry in the process, you probably haven't really "gone there". READ MORE
I'd say that you are onto something. We don't have symptoms for no reason. Maybe you can figure out together what closed space she endured. Believe it or not, it could even be the womb if she had a difficult birth. If you can talk about it, it will help, especially if she recalls what happened. My husband experienced his brother sitting on a truck in which he was hiding when they played hide and seek. He was so traumatized he became fearful of closed spaces. If you can't find the conscious memory, you may want to move on and get her dance classes, so she can openly and freely express herself in the space around her. READ MORE
You do not seem to be aware of from where these feelings come. Low self-esteem is not inborn. It is learned from feedback usually from family, especially parents. Some feedback is flagrant and diminishing. Other feedback is almost invisible, making us feel insignificant. What has happened in your life to cause you to think less of yourself? This is important to know and as well as what the lie is that you have come to believe from some unconscious or unworthy "messenger". After you figure out why you think so little of yourself, examine the truth of it while you cease to buy into it. Buying into it causes further re-injury. You must not do that. Lastly, start fixing it. If the lie is that you are lazy, then start acting pro-active. Force yourself. If the lie is that you are not worth your parents' time, then find something that you could love to do that others might value as well. Become an expert. I find that clients who had many negative mirrors in childhood transcend low self esteem better when they become experts at something in life. Expertise gives us worth. Lastly, don't waste time pursuing a positive identity. Just live a meaningful life. That will give you what you need. Ego fulfillment is a waste of time. It is shallow and illusive. READ MORE
OMG! Is this an epidemic? I just answered this same question above. Unfortunately, my answer has gone to the ethers. Bottom line, why is he taking pain killers? Why? Why don't you know why? How long has he been fearing pain? What is the pain from? Does he fear discomfort, itself? READ MORE
Post Natal Depression is the triggering of one of our earliest traumas, if not the earliest trauma. If something happened to us as an infant that was not resolved, then having a baby brings that issue up for us on an unconscious level. It affected how we perceived ourselves, the world and our primary caregivers. Maybe it impacted our view of adults, experts or authorities (such as doctors). Maybe they made us feel helpless or worthless, by not seeming to connect with us over our emotional confusion and pain. When we are very young we form our first semblance of identity based upon how we are treated. If we have a mother that drops us off with a stranger every day, she becomes the stranger that we are supposed to know. It's not what evolution had in mind. It makes us insecure. We have mirror neurons that drive us to re-enact the way we are treated. Usually, the re-enactments happen as we become adults. Sometimes we can see it in children's play. Sometimes we can see it in acting out behavior. We are driven to treat others as we have been treated. What goes in must come out. What doesn't go in can't come out. It is precisely this phenomenon that inspired the Golden Rule: Do unto others as we would have them do unto you. So, if your mother dropped you off at daycare and now you have an infant of our own, you have a hole in your intuition. Caring for our children brings up what happened to us. It brings up our feelings of inadequacy, because we are somehow supposed to treat this child in a tender and empathic way that we did not experience enough empathy ourselves. We are supposed to act as if we can provide trustworthiness to our child, but we don't feel that committed or reliable. That lack of commitment brings up further self-rejection and shame. We actually feel like leaving the baby, because we were left. It's mirror neurons + attachment deficits and insecurities + learned lack of trust. Add to that a belief in genetics plus an ethic that we are not to complain about mom, and we have shame for our feelings of anger and hurt. It's a difficult conundrum to transcend, but sometimes it comes in a moment of actually seeing our child and falling in love. Sometimes we never make it there. We just fake it. Dr. Faye READ MORE
In my opinion, if it's a young child, it's wrong to exclude the parent. I believe one hour a week is nothing compared to the influence a parent has over a child all week long. I believe it's more important to educate the parent how to respond to the child than to treat the child. If it's an older child, the law may protect the child's right to privacy. READ MORE
I recommend seeing a psychologist over a psychiatrist. As a matter of fact, I recommend you see a marriage and family therapist over a psychologist. Yes, most psychiatrists are oriented toward medications and the medical model. Most believe genes instruct behavior to some significant extent, even 50%. Unfortunately, this trickles down and more and more psychologists adhere to a medical model, as well. I am a psychologist and a marriage and family therapist. I got my better education as an MFT, because it focused on experiences within the family as causes for behaviors. Therefore MFTs are more oriented toward natural cures, as well as prevention. Unfortunately, the medical model is trickling down into that discipline as well. READ MORE
It depends upon the seriousness of the issue at hand or their theoretical orientation and the issues being treated whether therapy will last a long time or a short time. Sometimes it takes longer for patients who are in denial or are resistant. Some orientations are designed to get you in and get you out. Others are designed to stay with you for an extended period of self-examination so that you will gradually change and feel rather re-parented in the process. Others are faster and deeper, but they might also a bit more like having a hands on parent or coach, which includes criticisms for wrong choices and praise for good choices. READ MORE
It depends upon a few things. First, how secure was your attachment in the first years of your life? Did your primary care giver leave you to go to work? Research shows that we are most vulnerable to trauma as adults when we have insecure attachments (which are the worst of all trauma, and it happens so young). So, did someone else close to you die? Did someone close to you leave you? Second, it depends on what type of therapy you did. If you revisited the trauma and worked it through then it would not come back. Third, what has happened recently that may have reawakened your traumatic memory (to the degree it remained untreated)? READ MORE
As you know depression stems from a chronic feeling, often backed up or generated by a thought. Sometimes the thought is indescribable, but still it is a belief about yourself, others or the world. Whatever the thought, it is a lie, unless you create a self-fulfilling prophesy. It's your job to identify the lie (i.e. "I am worthless;" "I'm a fraud;" "I am unloveable;" "The world is unsafe;" or "I dare not trust anyone, lest they leave me,") Next, from where or who did the lie come? Is that source worth taking to the bank? Can you convince yourself that the source is wrong? Will you? You have to act counter to the lie. You may have to risk taking chances, since taking chances has its pay offs as well as risks. You may have to risk giving your heart away even if there are no guarantees (and work on the traits you have developed that could push someone away). You may have to risk going for broke to achieve something, so you can see you are not worthless. You may have to give up criticizing or controlling others so that you don't worry so much that they judge you. Depression is only permanent if it goes untreated, and I do not mean medication. READ MORE
I never thought that autism was mostly men. However, I also don't believe its genetic. I have given consideration to some of the alleged causes such as vaccinations. Maybe that. Maybe its a toxin relatively new to humanity. However, I have had several clients (children) who were neglected in the first year or two of life during a critical period. Sometimes it was a mother who returned to work. Sometimes it was an aloof mother. Sometimes it was a mother who was hospitalized or who had postpartum depression. These mothers kept their secret like they were guarding Ft. Knox, but eventually with enough safety they each revealed their secret to me. So, I also believe autism can be caused by two parents working, which is a new development in our society and in the history of humankind. Autism is appearing at such a rate it would have to be more teratogen than genes, as it appears to be almost epidemic. Further, genetic developments tend to offer improvements not problems. Has autism been under-diagnosed, as some authorities say, and now that it is more recognized we only think it is epidemic. I can say this: In my childhood I didn't know an autistic child. (I'm 72 now.) Now I know a number of people who have children on the spectrum. READ MORE
I find that if I answer my thoughts in writing and even plan solutions, I can finally sleep. READ MORE
There's a lot to this question. Primarily you are guaranteed confidentiality, and if you find out that this doctor has shared your confidential information without consideration of your privacy, you may have a lawsuit. You can report him or her to their board, as well. However, we are trained in keeping information to ourselves. There are a few exceptions to consider. If you reveal you want to kill someone or harm them, we are mandated to report to that party to take cover. If you report child abuse, we are mandated to get protection for the child. The same applies to elder abuse and disabled and dependent persons. I have my own caveat. If a patient worries about confidentiality I begin to wonder why. That doesn't mean I'm going to talk about you, but it does present a red flag to me. Are you living your life underground keeping secrets that are harming you. We all deserve an authentic life, in which we can live openly. Some of us have nothing to hide, but think that their normal process and failures stigmatizes them and they should appear perfect to the world. Some of us don't know how to make mistakes and be proud of what we learned or how we handled them. Living life secretly can be a way of avoiding natural consequences for our choices. It can be a way of living a dishonest life. Some of us want to keep secret the bad things that happened to us, for which we were innocent. These things should not stigmatize us. There is a high price for living secretively, and usually there is something wrong beneath. Good therapy will help you strategize your life so you are free to be an open person, unless that is not practical. Lastly, believe it or not, unless this therapist knows people you know, no one cares. I like to remind myself that I am just not that interesting. Maybe your case is interesting, but we don't have a need to talk about you to others, and if we did, we would make up a name and even identifying characteristics, just to have the freedom to consult or to teach. We don't need to gossip. If we gossip, we should lose our license or have to go to therapy ourselves until we become safe. READ MORE
Areas of expertise and specialization
Faculty Titles & Positions
- Public Speaking on her area of expertise -
- Ryokan College of Psychology, 2005
Professional Society Memberships
- Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, Los Angeles County Psychological Association, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, California Association of Anger Management Providers
Articles and Publications
- 6 Books and Currently Completing an Article
What do you attribute your success to?
- She is driven and wants to share her knowledge with researchers and other psychologists.
Hobbies / Sports
- Visiting Her Grandson
Favorite professional publications
- Journal of Applied Psychology
Dr. S. Faye Snyder PSY.D's Practice location
Granada Hills, CA 91344 Get Direction
Valencia, CA 91355 Get Direction
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Dr. S. Faye Snyder PSY.D's reviewsWrite Review
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