A meme on Instagram was circulating all weekend, and I honestly couldn't have agreed more with it. It was a picture of a tweet that said "3rd base is when they see you having an anxiety attack."
I have two types, one is the standard over-publicized type where I'm literally on the bathroom floor, clutching at my hair and hyperventilating. The other, is a little more subdued and may not be considered as one. I would draw away from everybody, push everything out of the way, and be quiet while just thinking about anything that could be bothering me. I usually end up in a state where I can't move--like I'm paralyzed.
It's an awful feeling when you feel like everything around you is crumbling down, but just remember it happens and then it passes over. The snow this weekend made me feel anxious, since the roads were bad, my boyfriend was driving the car, it was sliding, he couldn't see, and I felt my chest become tight. I did my best to remain calm, but remaining calm was never my strong suit.
I've been dating the same person for over a year and a half (my longest relationship by the way), and he has never seen me like this. He just kept asking what was wrong and I kept trying to laugh it off to not talk about the fact that I kept thinking the car was going to slip and hit the person in front of us in this town in the middle of nowhere.
Being on edge is not fun, I think we can all agree. But, being on edge around someone who hasn't seen this before is even worse. I was always careful, but at that moment I wasn't and I had to learn how to open up about it in a short amount of time.
Opening up leads to understanding
And, it did. I told him how I felt and what was going, and he looked at me... like he understood but not completely. But it was definitely a start and it made me feel a lot better.
Now, things have really changed between us, but not in a bad way. I know it's too early to tell with how exactly things have changed, but I think it mostly has to do with how I view myself.
So here are a few lessons that I have learned from this weekend:
- It's okay to feel like this around your SO, they may be a little freaked out at first and not know what to do, but it's because they aren't you. They don't really understand what is going through your head, and though they view everything as okay, you do not.
- If they don't even attempt to understand, that is not a good thing. I was happy to actually see him attempt to understand what I was feeling and, hey, actually be a little worried. The idea of it going the other way around would have killed me.
- And, finally, you are not ridiculous for feeling the way that you do. It may seem like everyone is against you at times, but it's not at all true. Don't ever feel like you can't talk about it.