How Your Life Has Changed with Breast Cancer

Give us a bit of backstory. When were you diagnosed? How is life different now?

My name is Josephine Bueno and I was diagnosed 5 years ago! 

The whole procedure and tests, etc. were horrible but as one is in shock, one hardly feels anything. I was like a zombie and happy with all the attention. Everyone was so truly wonderful and lovely!     

I really missed all the attention when it all stopped!! I was lost! 

The Arimidex medication that I was put on gave me all kinds of side effects, added 5 kilos and a bad case of osteoporosis. It was hell for the first 2 years, but somehow I got used to it all. Although it is all there still, I take no notice of it. I have learnt to live with it as with everything else!

12 months ago I joined the YMCA because my physiotherapist recommended it, specifically for my osteoporosis and sciatica, as well as other issues. 

It is the best thing that I did, as it gets me out and helps me keep active. While I am there I don't think about the Big C, and I feel like I am floating with happiness!

I recommend everyone to join a gym with water aerobics, body balance, pilates, etc. 

What lessons have you learned since being diagnosed?

I have learned no lessons as it is not possible to do so.

First one goes into shock, then, when the treatment is all over and everything comes to an abrupt stop, it gets even worse.  

I don't know who I am anymore. The new normal has become the new me, but who am I? I am still me but I am not, what is going on?       

How can one expect someone to understand you when one is not able to!

Family and friends see you the same because somehow, one behaves like one used to, but one is no longer the same!

It is horrible! I have anxiety almost all the time and it gets worse when I'm nearing an appointment or a check up!               

The big C is always there, regardless of how hard one tries to push it away!

I feel pretty lost and although I am functioning, I don't feel it. It is like I am on some medication where nothing seems real anymore, where reality is at a standstill!

Am I dreaming? Nothing seems real, only the BIG C and it is very scary!

Deep down, I am always very sad because I feel so alone and because I am alone!

My mum had breast cancer and although she did survive it, she was always sad. Even when she laughed and tried to enjoy herself, she would still be sad!     

Only now do I understand why and how lonely she was and felt, especially knowing that none of us understood her pain and loneliness, which is very sad!

My sister Frances, on the other hand, passed away at the age of 47. I nursed her until the end, and it was very hard and painful to see her that way and not being able to do anything. She had two boys, 15 and 6. Truly heartbreaking!

My sister put up a big fight because it was terminal and she wanted to be there for her boys. It was an experiment and she was ever so happy, but mostly the very high dosage of chemo kept her in bed most of the time. It was too horrible and it very nearly killed me too!

I talk to my mum and sister in heaven, because they are the only two members in my family that can understand what I am going through. 

It has been 5 years and now I feel more lost than ever. I am supposed to feel good but I don't! I am alive and active and love life. I like to garden, walk, etc. but it all feels like an out of body experience, like it is not me or even happening!  

Before the cancer, I felt things, I felt alive, I felt sad. Now, nothing is the same because what I feel is not the same .     

I feel alone because in my new world I am alone, happy but alone, loving life, etc.

But alone because nothing seems real anymore!

What advice would you give someone whose loved one was recently diagnosed?

Just be there with all your love, care, and support because the journey will be a long one!               

The journey will not stop after treatment, it will be a lifelong journey.

Don't try to understand it because it will never be possible, therefore never say I understand because you never will!       

Help them by always asking! Just be there ! 

If it gets too hard, and it will, then you must seek help. Try to get counseling as you will need it! Also, let them know how you feel and that you are only human!  

And finally, always tell them how much you love them!