“How do I work on my marriage after cheating on my wife?”
I am a 36 year old male. I had a 9 month affair with another woman and my wife is devastated. How do I work on my marriage after cheating on my wife?
3 Answers
First, I want to honor you for seeking help in restoring trust. We've all made choices we are not proud of, and it can be challenging to look at the consequences of how our choices impact others. It is a strong person who does not run away, rationalize, or justify. It is a courage person who cleans up their mess - to demonstrate over time that you are responsible and want to be a safe person to be trusted again.
This is not prescriptive advice since every situation is so unique. Here are a few common practices that may be helpful,
1. DO NOT LIE! Rebuilding trust is not just about the infidelity itself, it is also about the gut-check to realize the person she has trusted has been able to lie to her for 9 months. Any lies, even about irrelevant little things, will erode that trust even more. Tell the truth in a kind forthright way that helps her see that going forward you will be someone she can trust to tell the truth.
2. Cut off ALL communication with that person and set strict boundaries going forward with complete transparency. If that sounds too extreme, then you know you're not truly remorseful. Sometimes, we feel bad that we got caught but not bad enough to make the hard choices to move forward in transparency to protect the security of the relationship going forward. Place complete transparency measures on all devices.
3. Be honest with yourself. Starting individual therapy to help you candidly look at your own your rationalizations. When there is an affair, there are likely judgments/beliefs that you formed about your spouse that helped you rationalize your affair. Unraveling those judgements can be hard because we have to look at the stark reality that, you took bits of judgements to build a case against your spouse, to justify and absolve yourself from the selfishness of the choice. Humans have a hard time being completely honest with ourselves so if you can do that, I applaud you! Unraveling justifications can help you learn how to own your choices rather than internally keeping a score card of how much you're putting in versus your souse. this is pretty hard to do without an emotion-focused couples therapist. You have hurt your partner and irrespective of what she may have or have not done, you are responsible for your actions.
4. Couples therapy is vital. Not all couples counseling is the same. Allowing a warm emotion-focused therapist walk with you as a guide will be helpful as you'll likely hit moments of getting stuck and unable to move past certain dynamics of the affair without a neutral third party.
5. Realistic expectations about the grief process. An adult takes responsibility to clean up our own mess and make it right. So many clients become frustrated as they rebuild, feeling sentiments like, "But I've been doing so much, I've been doing everything she/he's asked and yet it's still not enough? it's impossible to please them! I've done my part, I don't have to put up with this anymore." This is a victim mindset. A person that wants to say I'm sorry and do loving things to win their partner back without actually walking with their spouse through the pain and grieving process, is still in a state of self-preoccupation rather than truly operating out of love for their partner and a desire to rebuild in health - which takes time. By all means, do the right things, and be prepared to sit with your partner through their process of grief.
There are many more thoughts, these are the ones forefront of mind. Feel free to visit CrawfordClinics.com for a free consultation to help you in the recovery journey to rebuild a meaningful marriage that is EVEN BETTER than before the affair!
This is not prescriptive advice since every situation is so unique. Here are a few common practices that may be helpful,
1. DO NOT LIE! Rebuilding trust is not just about the infidelity itself, it is also about the gut-check to realize the person she has trusted has been able to lie to her for 9 months. Any lies, even about irrelevant little things, will erode that trust even more. Tell the truth in a kind forthright way that helps her see that going forward you will be someone she can trust to tell the truth.
2. Cut off ALL communication with that person and set strict boundaries going forward with complete transparency. If that sounds too extreme, then you know you're not truly remorseful. Sometimes, we feel bad that we got caught but not bad enough to make the hard choices to move forward in transparency to protect the security of the relationship going forward. Place complete transparency measures on all devices.
3. Be honest with yourself. Starting individual therapy to help you candidly look at your own your rationalizations. When there is an affair, there are likely judgments/beliefs that you formed about your spouse that helped you rationalize your affair. Unraveling those judgements can be hard because we have to look at the stark reality that, you took bits of judgements to build a case against your spouse, to justify and absolve yourself from the selfishness of the choice. Humans have a hard time being completely honest with ourselves so if you can do that, I applaud you! Unraveling justifications can help you learn how to own your choices rather than internally keeping a score card of how much you're putting in versus your souse. this is pretty hard to do without an emotion-focused couples therapist. You have hurt your partner and irrespective of what she may have or have not done, you are responsible for your actions.
4. Couples therapy is vital. Not all couples counseling is the same. Allowing a warm emotion-focused therapist walk with you as a guide will be helpful as you'll likely hit moments of getting stuck and unable to move past certain dynamics of the affair without a neutral third party.
5. Realistic expectations about the grief process. An adult takes responsibility to clean up our own mess and make it right. So many clients become frustrated as they rebuild, feeling sentiments like, "But I've been doing so much, I've been doing everything she/he's asked and yet it's still not enough? it's impossible to please them! I've done my part, I don't have to put up with this anymore." This is a victim mindset. A person that wants to say I'm sorry and do loving things to win their partner back without actually walking with their spouse through the pain and grieving process, is still in a state of self-preoccupation rather than truly operating out of love for their partner and a desire to rebuild in health - which takes time. By all means, do the right things, and be prepared to sit with your partner through their process of grief.
There are many more thoughts, these are the ones forefront of mind. Feel free to visit CrawfordClinics.com for a free consultation to help you in the recovery journey to rebuild a meaningful marriage that is EVEN BETTER than before the affair!
If the two of you are willing, that might be best addressed in couples therapy, to work on any issues that you two may have.
See this link...
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
Consider reviewing Messages by McKay 4th edition and Eight Dates by J. Gottman
or
https://www.verywellmind.com/you-cheated-got-caught-now-what-2303090
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
Consider reviewing Messages by McKay 4th edition and Eight Dates by J. Gottman
or
https://www.verywellmind.com/you-cheated-got-caught-now-what-2303090
