“My child seems to be scared of going to school. How should I encourage him?”
I am a parent of a 6 year old child. All of a sudden my son is showing extreme fear when it comes to going to school. I am beginning to get worried but I don’t want to shoot too many questions at him. What should I do?
7 Answers
Hello,
It is not unusual for a young child to have separation anxiety from a parent. At times this occurs just as the child begins school, and at times it comes at a slightly later date. Generally the best thing to do is to reassure them that you will see them again later that day, and then leave; try not to linger longer, because it will teach your child how to get you to stay and not leave. You can also give your child a token or two, such as couple carefully chosen (laminated) family pictures that he or she can look at throughout the day to “feel closer” to you. “Happy memory” pictures work well for this. If the behavior continues or worsens, you may need to probe further into what may be causing the fear. Talking to the teacher about your child’s behavior during the day may help shed light on the situation. If all else fails, it may be advisable to bring your child to a professional.
Best wishes,
Dr. Demetriades
It is not unusual for a young child to have separation anxiety from a parent. At times this occurs just as the child begins school, and at times it comes at a slightly later date. Generally the best thing to do is to reassure them that you will see them again later that day, and then leave; try not to linger longer, because it will teach your child how to get you to stay and not leave. You can also give your child a token or two, such as couple carefully chosen (laminated) family pictures that he or she can look at throughout the day to “feel closer” to you. “Happy memory” pictures work well for this. If the behavior continues or worsens, you may need to probe further into what may be causing the fear. Talking to the teacher about your child’s behavior during the day may help shed light on the situation. If all else fails, it may be advisable to bring your child to a professional.
Best wishes,
Dr. Demetriades
Deborah R. Wagner
Psychologist
I would try to find out what he is afraid of by asking him. If he doesn’t or can’t answer, I’d set up a group of his stuffed animals and play “school.” You can guide the play initially by setting up the situation and then let him guide what happens next. You can make it pleasant and fun. Hopefully, you can get some insight into what is frightening him.
If this doesn’t work, you can call his teacher. She may have some information that might be helpful. If all else fails, I’d advise bringing him to a psychologist who is experienced in treating children.
Regards,
Deborah Wagner, Ph.D., LLC
If this doesn’t work, you can call his teacher. She may have some information that might be helpful. If all else fails, I’d advise bringing him to a psychologist who is experienced in treating children.
Regards,
Deborah Wagner, Ph.D., LLC
Dear Parent,
As per you, this fear seems to be there all of a sudden, so you do need to find out what is causing it. Have him use his toys to express what he seems to be unable to express in words. You may also ask the teachers regarding any incident that may have occurred that he has not told you about. In case there is a school psychologist in his school system, you may want to consult with them. It is beneficial to get to the root cause of his fear so it can be dealt with. It is ok to ask questions. Otherwise, you will never know and will not be able to help him overcome the fear and move forward.
Take care,
Dr. Sonpal
As per you, this fear seems to be there all of a sudden, so you do need to find out what is causing it. Have him use his toys to express what he seems to be unable to express in words. You may also ask the teachers regarding any incident that may have occurred that he has not told you about. In case there is a school psychologist in his school system, you may want to consult with them. It is beneficial to get to the root cause of his fear so it can be dealt with. It is ok to ask questions. Otherwise, you will never know and will not be able to help him overcome the fear and move forward.
Take care,
Dr. Sonpal
I would engage him in his favorite activity and ask a few questions to see what he is afraid of. If this does not yield too much information, ask to talk with his teacher to see what is happening at school. If there is any bullying going on, there are children's books that may help foster a discussion.
Hello, concerned parent,
The most important words are ‘all of a sudden.’
You can go to school with your child and watch what happens in the classroom and at recess. Six year olds aren’t old enough to act differently because you are there in the background. Is your son being bullied? Is his teacher scary? Before I was a psychologist, I was a teacher and then a supervisor of student teachers. Believe me, I could understand why little kids could show “school refusal.”
So start there, and perhaps you will see clearly which way to go. If not, a child psychologist could meet with him.
Good luck,
Marian K Shapiro
Licensed Psychologist
The most important words are ‘all of a sudden.’
You can go to school with your child and watch what happens in the classroom and at recess. Six year olds aren’t old enough to act differently because you are there in the background. Is your son being bullied? Is his teacher scary? Before I was a psychologist, I was a teacher and then a supervisor of student teachers. Believe me, I could understand why little kids could show “school refusal.”
So start there, and perhaps you will see clearly which way to go. If not, a child psychologist could meet with him.
Good luck,
Marian K Shapiro
Licensed Psychologist
Try to talk to him and his teacher. His teacher might be able to watch out for him
This answer if for information only and does not constitute treatment.
If this is his first formal school experience, then his fear and difficulty separating from you might be expected. Given that you say "extreme fear" it seems like doing some investigating from a number of sources could be appropriate. Have you asked your son's teacher how he is coping after he is dropped off at school? Is he fine a couple minutes after he separates from you or the person dropping him off? Also, how does your child get to school in the morning? Is the bus ride stressing him out for any reason you can think of? Can you quickly as the bus driver at drop-off how he seems to do on the way there?
If your son is the kind of kid who can usually talk about what he feels and what happens to him, you can try asking some open questions to him. Ask at a time when worries about school aren't so immediate. Asking "what's wrong" once the fear has set-in at the front door as the bus pulls up probably isn't the best time.
At a calm part of the day, maybe in the evening on Friday or Saturday night, or in the car driving on a regular errand, you could say something like, "Hey, you get really worried/scared/crying when it is time to go to school." See what his response is to just that statement. Leave LOTS of time for him to answer. Count to 20 slowly in your head to give him time to think and respond.
If that statement doesn't prompt any response, you can add something to indicate you wonder if he is OK or if something is hard for him about going to school like, "I'm starting to worry about you a little bit because it didn't used to be this way. IS everything OK at school and on the way there?" SLOWLY think 20...19...18... See what he has to say about getting there and being there and if he can report any worries or problems.
The feedback from the teacher can also be very valuable. If the teacher reports he is fine within moments of the you leaving, then that is much less of a concern than if the teacher reports he is crying most of the morning and seems to have a much harder time than the other children. Ask if the teacher has any advice about how to help him get to school with less fear.
Hopefully your son's school has a counselor. This person can be a good resource as well to see if his reactions seem out of scope to the situation. The school psychologist is also an excellent resource to consult if you are very concerned. The counselor and/or school psychologist might be able to recommend programs in the school to support him and actions to put in place at home/precare to make the transition easier. They might also recommend a child therapist if you want to follow-up with a professional mental health provider for any reason.
If this is his first formal school experience, then his fear and difficulty separating from you might be expected. Given that you say "extreme fear" it seems like doing some investigating from a number of sources could be appropriate. Have you asked your son's teacher how he is coping after he is dropped off at school? Is he fine a couple minutes after he separates from you or the person dropping him off? Also, how does your child get to school in the morning? Is the bus ride stressing him out for any reason you can think of? Can you quickly as the bus driver at drop-off how he seems to do on the way there?
If your son is the kind of kid who can usually talk about what he feels and what happens to him, you can try asking some open questions to him. Ask at a time when worries about school aren't so immediate. Asking "what's wrong" once the fear has set-in at the front door as the bus pulls up probably isn't the best time.
At a calm part of the day, maybe in the evening on Friday or Saturday night, or in the car driving on a regular errand, you could say something like, "Hey, you get really worried/scared/crying when it is time to go to school." See what his response is to just that statement. Leave LOTS of time for him to answer. Count to 20 slowly in your head to give him time to think and respond.
If that statement doesn't prompt any response, you can add something to indicate you wonder if he is OK or if something is hard for him about going to school like, "I'm starting to worry about you a little bit because it didn't used to be this way. IS everything OK at school and on the way there?" SLOWLY think 20...19...18... See what he has to say about getting there and being there and if he can report any worries or problems.
The feedback from the teacher can also be very valuable. If the teacher reports he is fine within moments of the you leaving, then that is much less of a concern than if the teacher reports he is crying most of the morning and seems to have a much harder time than the other children. Ask if the teacher has any advice about how to help him get to school with less fear.
Hopefully your son's school has a counselor. This person can be a good resource as well to see if his reactions seem out of scope to the situation. The school psychologist is also an excellent resource to consult if you are very concerned. The counselor and/or school psychologist might be able to recommend programs in the school to support him and actions to put in place at home/precare to make the transition easier. They might also recommend a child therapist if you want to follow-up with a professional mental health provider for any reason.
