“My 5 year old daughter just doesn’t listen to me. What should we do?”
I have a 5 year old daughter and she is extremely stubborn. She has such a negative behavior. If we tell her not to do something, she ends up doing exactly that. What should I do to control her behavior?
2 Answers
To start, stop trying to control her behavior. I know that may seem counter-intuitive, but it's important. She is likely trying to have some control over her world, and when kids are young, often the only way they can have control is to say no. One way to start working with this is to give kids choices. For example, if there's something she needs to do, you might give her the choice of doing it now or doing it in an hour. Do what you can to offer more choices as a starting point, to help her feel like she has some more control. Talk to her about the consequences of her behavior. Instead of telling her not to do something, let her know what will happen if she does and ask, "how might you feel about that?" Try to imagine being her and what her world might look and feel like - use this as a way to connect. I would recommend working with a therapist who specializes in working with children and families and who may be able to help you understand any potential problematic behaviors and develop positive parenting practices to improve your relationship with your daughter so it doesn't always feel like you're at odds. A couple books I'd recommend include, No Drama Discipline, Parenting From the Inside Out, and The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel, in addition to Trauma-Proofing Your Kids: A Parent's Guide for Instilling Confidence, Joy, and Resilience by Peter Levine. Good luck!
It is common behavior for a 5 year old to challenge her parents and assert her control. She is developing her independence and needs encouragement to make good choices. Often parents try to assert control by telling children what they don't want and get the opposition that you describe. She is likely getting attention, albeit negative attention, for her behavior, which is reinforcing the exact behavior you do not want. It will be helpful to frame your statements to say what you do want, not what you don't want, and reward her for following instructions or making a good choice. If she continues to exhibit the opposite behavior from what you are looking for, let her know that you know she can make a good choice, don't overreact (as that may be the reinforcement she desires) and stay as neutral as possible while stating the positive expectation. Also, whenever possible, give her a choice. For example, "you can clean up your toys now or in 5 minutes" or "do you want to play x or y" while staying away from saying "don't play with that" or "don't do that". By giving her choices, both of which you can live with, she will feel she has more control and make more positive choices. Then be sure to praise her for making the good choice. Children need praise and encouragement, not scolding and punishment. Hope this helps.
