“How do I get over the loss of my father?”

There is no formal timeline for grieving, and just one month is very recent. It can help to establish a daily routine, but also give yourself permission to grieve. If you are struggling a great deal it would be a good idea to speak with a mental health professional.

We never really get over the loss of a loved one. We just learn how to cope and tolerate the feelings that come up when we think about them and the loss that we suffered. This is really important for you to see a therapist and/or join a grief support group to help you process the stages of grief and get you to better understand how to help tolerate and cope with your loss. I’m very sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent is a very painful one. Hillside Wellness Center has a grief support group that they will be starting in the month of August. Please reach out if needed at 818-743-4033.

While it’s normal to want to “get over” the pain as quickly as possible, the best way for you to heal is gradually. Please give yourself time. You had a relationship with your father spanning more than three decades, and it’s too much to ask of yourself to bounce back in thirty days. It’s okay and good and healthy to take your time. Acknowledge your loss and let yourself feel your pain, hurt, sadness. As you do this, also open yourself up to remembering good memories you had with him, the qualities you loved about him … let the light and sunshine of your father into your soul. Open your arms to the full spectrum of emotions about your dad and about the two of you together. Anticipate that every day will be different, e.g. some days will be relatively quiet where you go through your day feeling okay, other days may be much harder, where you’re overwhelmed with the unbearable permanence of your loss and that you’ll never see or talk to your dad again. Other days you may float through feeling numb. And some days you might go in and out of many different feelings. Just when you think you’ve settled into a new normal, a tide of grief may wash over you. All of this is completely normal—grieving the death of your parent is in many ways a lifelong process, and one which will change quality over time. Be patient with yourself and do not succumb to the message so ubiquitous in our culture, namely that we have to move quickly; please do not put pressure on yourself to “get over it” quickly. Trust yourself that you will heal in your own time on your own terms. Identify things you can do to act in meaningful ways, e.g. do whatever fills your heart, e.g. play with your child, hang out with a buddy, spend time with your partner, volunteer, play sports, anything to engage on a deeper level with yourself and with others. Be sure to allow yourself to feel little pockets of joy, take comfort in your positive memories—and also find solace in the good things in your present life—your relationships and connections, your work, your charity. Cultivate kindness—to yourself, and to others. If you find yourself having a hard time functioning, difficulty getting out of bed in the morning, self medicating with alcohol and/or drugs, acting out your grief with anger, if you feel you want to hurt yourself, etc. please seek professional help either by reaching out to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or your internist, who can refer you to a trusted mental health practitioner.

The key is not trying to get over it. Instead,lean into the experience and accept all of the feelings you have with no expectation that you should or need to feel differently. Losing a father is painful and unique and will affect you in ways you may not even understand at first. Be patient, stay open to the experience of all kinds of feelings, and most importantly, be kind to yourself as you heal. Working through loss and grief can be an opportunity for tremendous personal growth. The pain we feel when someone dies reminds us of how important our personal relationships are. Talking to someone about it may be really helpful. Open up to trusted family, friends, and maybe even a qualified therapist if you're up for it.

I  have found over the years working as a psychologist, that often an important key to any challenge we face is in our definitions of the situation/challenge we experience.  When it comes to the loss of a parent, there are several different paths that people often go.  If the relationship with the parent is complex, with a history of painful interactions, we can respect and learn from those past scenes, nurturing the wounded parts of ourselves in these scenes, and express whatever we are holding onto toward our parent in the scene.  The effect is allowing ourselves to help heal these wounds and release the resentment stored in the scene.

If the relationship with the parent is deep and close, we can savor and re-experience positive scenes with that parent, enjoying the moments and realizing these can be present the rest of our lives, like money in the bank, to draw on when needed.  At the same time we can continue drawing on these nuggets in the present.  Deep relationships are timeless, and the kinds of responses we would receive from our parents can be experienced in our current circumstance.  

I have "lost" several dear people in my life, and gain real comfort knowing I can draw from my bank of experience with them in a present challenge.  It may sound strange, but many people have found this to be helpful and meaningful.

You should allow yourself to feel the pain that you are experiencing and find constructive outlets for it. This includes physical activities, artistic or creative expression, writing in a journal, talking to a person you trust, or simply crying somewhere you feel safe.  Eventually, a sense of acceptance will increasingly accompany your pain and prevail.  You will often think of your father and miss him. Although I do not know him or your relationship with him, I expect he would want you to still feel happiness when remembering the good times and meaningful moments you shared.  He would want you to recall his love for you and the positive ways he impacted you.  He would want you to know that he will be with you even if he is not physically present.  He appreciates you honoring him through your grieving but also would want you to eventually move on by attending to other people, experiences or opportunities in your life.  It is helpful to have faith you will ultimately reconnect again.    

Go see a therapist who can help you deal with the grief. There are support groups out there that you might find helpful as well.

Give yourself some time. A month is not a long time to rebound from the loss of a beloved parent.

My condolences for the loss of your father. While grief is a common human experience, it is very unique for each individual and family. Grief happens in dynamic phases rather than stages. I would encourage you to take the time you need to get through the loss and not “over” it. Many people find it helpful to have the support of family, friends, church, or a mental health provider for individual or group therapy.

Wow, I am so sorry for your loss! There is nothing like the death of a loved one and cancer is incredibly tragic. I highly recommend grief counseling. Sadness, evolutionarily speaking, is an important emotion that tells us that we need to stop and grieve the loss of something or (in your case) someone important. The feelings of sadness do not go away until they are felt, deeply and thoroughly. Counseling will be quite difficult but it is imperative that you experience the sadness of your loss in a safe place so that it can ebb and you can develop some peace. You will never be your old "normal self" without your father in your life, but you will find your new normal and it will be peaceful and just as functional. I hope this helps!

Grieving is a measure of meaning. If you had a deep love for your father, you will not likely finish grieving in one month. However, grieving needs to include crying Many people, especially men, try to bypass the crying and prolong the feelings of deep loss. Make time to grieve and then get up and go back to life. Do this every day until you don't need to do it every day. Gradually, you will grieve less and less. Some times we have a hard time accepting death, itself, when we don't live authentic and open lives. That creates a fear of death, generally. There is one other important factor here. When we did not finish up our relationship with a parent, saying what we needed to say, we have a tendency to suffer "complicated bereavement", which lasts longer. For example, if we suffered a bitter rejection that we pretended away to get along, we may now bear a festering wound. Complicated bereavement may not be transcended until we excavate buried injuries and process them with someone or an empty chair in which you pretend he is there so you can tell him what you still need to say. If you don't cry in the process, you probably haven't really "gone there".

I wish I could tell you something magical to help. The fact is you are grieving and everyone is different on how long and how they grieve. If you try and remember, our grief is in part our selfishness wanting them here. Remember he is not suffering anymore and most of all, remember your dad for all the time you did have with him.

Time will heal, but you need to know he is going through a transition right now and soon will be happy and he will want you to move on and be happy. You need to talk to him in private and don’t need a sign, just need to know he is watching and loving you. Believe in life after death. While you are driving, you can talk to him and tell him how much you love him and miss him. Times when you are alone, speak to him and he will listen, when you need him. A transition supposedly lasts 2 to 6 months going over our life we had and learning from it. My father died 2.5 years ago and I still talk to him everyday.