Dr. S. Faye Snyder

Anorexia can be fatal. Often it is the result of a secret shame, sometimes sexual abuse, other times physical or emotional abuse. It could be the result of a family secret or family ethic that it is not OK to express feelings or thoughts. Find what the source of her pain and begin to address it.

Some heterosexual men cross dress. One told me it was because he didn't get enough nurturing from his mom and dressing like a woman was a way to fill up. Who told you that you had a small penis as a child? Shame on them. Often the size of a penis changes with age, and often women don't want a large penis, because it's too painful. So, shame on the grownups of your childhood who advised you wrongly. As you face your feelings of emptiness, perhaps from lack of nurturing, you may gradually not need to cross dress. However, it probably doesn't hurt anyone if you do.

Yes. Coffee is addictive. However, is she medicating herself? Does she feel a lack of enough energy to do what she needs to do? If so, why?

Hello there,

Our first anxiety is experienced under the age of five when our parents hand us off to someone else. It could be caused by other reasons, though the research says the most intensive suffering humans ever endure is separation from our primary parent. It's called Separation Anxiety. In worse cases, with complete attachment breaks, it's Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). The younger we are and the longer the separation, the worse we suffer into our adult life. The other causes include shockers, such as when our parents scold or hit us for making a mistake or just get mad at us for not knowing what we "were supposed to know." The younger we were, the more anxiety we felt then and later. Anxiety can then generalize and become triggered later in life when we have experiences related to fear of not being good enough or more pointedly, a fear of rejection. As we get older, we develop other causes for anxiety related to rejection or inadequacy. We still fear not being good enough. Sometimes, that's the secret we even keep from ourselves and we can't let others know our true self, because they will discover our inadequacy. We are not free to be authentic, which is a huge tragedy for anyone to endure, especially for a lifetime. Then, if we have a secret we are keeping to protect someone else, even if it's something like, "I hate dad's drinking," we have buried and unresolved conflict. Whether we keep things to ourself or have been requested or demanded to do so, adds to our anxiety. The common denominator is a need to be authentic, which is threatened by a fear of loss if we are.

Our bodies store our hidden suffering from others and us, but our bodies really don't want to. What is interesting is that when we let down, relax or do something mindless, buried trauma or unresolved conflict hurries to the surface, as if it has a chance to speak. If we let our guard down, these truths want to surface. Your job is to listen.

You might want to take time to allow your issues to surface, so you can deal with them. You can lie down or meditate. Just wait. Don't try to think of anything. It will come to you and then you can observe what you are repressing. Seeing is change.

Dr. Faye

You can't transcend it until you understand it. If you pay attention to yourself, your history, your memories, and the way it feels instead of fearing the way it feels, you may get answers. Your fear will keep you from learning about yourself. It will magnify your fear. Fear of fear is an escalation of fear. Once you get answers, you can reason with yourself. You need to understand why you fear falling asleep. Did you nearly die once? Did you think you were going to die? It could have been at your birth or a time you can't remember. You may need to talk to you parent(s). Or, were you afraid someone else would die if you fell asleep? When did this start?

You need to conquer your fear, and you are the only who can convince yourself that you won't die if you allow yourself to fall asleep. I used to have a fear of pain. I had bad migraines. My therapist told me to go into the pain instead of running from it. I thought he was CRAZY. But, what did I have to lose except one foreseen disaster? I discovered that the most inflammatory ingredient in pain is the fear of it. Facing my pain often dissolves it.

I would try planning on dying. (Of course, you won't. The fear or thought won't make it so.) You need to go through the process, observing truth versus fact from beginning to end. Pay attention. Stay focused. Observe your process.

Don't catastrophise. If you catastrophise, what is that about? Are you seeking to be rescued? Do you know that you can blow your entire life fearing fear? Get on with courage. If you can't conjure courage, conjure awareness while you are in it.

I think that will help.

Dr. Faye

To me, if you wanted to go have fun, you probably would be escaping the lie for awhile. I'd say go for it.

There are so many ways therapists approach depression. It would somewhat depend upon their approach. Here's mine: Depression comes from a deeply imbedded lie you learned about life, people, or yourself that you adopted when you were very young, formulating your world view. It would be a lie that your parents probably accidentally transmitted to you, or it came from some circumstance from which you inferred your premise for life. That lie is now interrupting your life and running the show. It's up to you to stop buying the lie, but to identify it and dismantle it for what it is: untrue. (You could have turned it into truth by following the lie. You can undo that.)

Still, your job is to identify the lie and the sooner the better. Sample lies are: (1) You can't trust anyone (for which you must learn how to (a) assess people, to (b) accept that no one is in this world to meet your needs and think from your perspective, so all will and must eventually disappoint you, which is OK. You also need to (b) and stay away from situations or people who hurt you, rather than trying to change them). (2) I am not enough for someone to want me or to be in a relationship with me. (3) I am at risk for things going wrong no matter what I do.

So, find the lie. Meditate. Relax. Allow yourself to do some reverie and see if you can go back in time and find out where that lie came from. Maybe you won't remember precisely, but you have a hunch.

At some point, you have to redefine what you believe and begin practicing life based upon those new beliefs. You may have some undoing, repair, and catching up to do. It's all worth it.

Dr. Faye

Don't overcome it. Wait until your baby is at least three years old. The child will suffer abandonment trauma, otherwise, impairing her ability to trust, which is for a lifetime without therapeutic interventions. We are products of evolution. We are not evolved to be separated from our mothers (or possibly primary caregivers) until we are at least three. In some cultures, it is five years old, which is when Kindergarten was originally arranged.

Babies separated earlier than that will be susceptible to ADHD and variations on separation anxiety. The reasons this information is not disseminated is beyond me, other than the pharmaceutical industry makes a ton of money for medicating children. Tattoo parlors, body piercings, street drugs, and raves may be symptomatic of youths that are insecurely attached.

Children are not what they used to be since the we started placing them in daycare or othercare so young. If you want a child that stands out above the crowd, stay home one more year. Allow your child to become a resilient, creative, empathic, articulate, honorable leader, because she has the kind of confidence that comes from a secure attachment.

Dr. Faye

It is as normal as you make it. We have a social history of discrimination that still affects many people. Thus, many fear coming out of the closet, so they may need therapy to encourage them. Otherwise they are doomed to a secret life. In my opinion the only problem with bisexuality or homosexuality is social stigmas and lack of sufficient courage to be true to one's self in the face of it. The social stigma is waning due to brave souls who dare to live authentic lives.

Kleptomania is a symptom of something else: feelings of deprivation, feeling cheated, teased or some sort of environment that makes the child feel like he isn't getting his. Sometimes it's too many siblings to get one-on-one attention from mom or dad. Sometimes its too much work for a child and not enough reward. Sometimes it's feeling inadequate, like the child who was sick too long and comes back to school feeling behind and inept. Sometimes its being in a social environment where the child's friends are more privileged and the child feels less than. These days it is often children who have been rescued by parents out of earning their recognition and rewards, thus feeling entitled. Find out why the child wants what he hasn't earned. Know that you have a part in it, so you don't have to be punitive. Have a talk with him about ethics and self-worth (earning what we have), and step up your time spent with him, coaching him to make good choices and do the work to earn the better things in life.

I'm not an MD. I am a psychologist who works with many patients that suffer the side-effects of long-term uses of medication. The first thing I notice is that you did not mention what type of pain she is self-medicating. That seems to be significant in choosing what type of doctor. Further, if you don't mention it here, it begs the question whether you have a relationship with her where the thing that needs to be discussed the most is ignored the most. The question nagging me is why don't you know the reason she takes these pills? Where's the mother-daughter dialogue? I can't encourage you enough to talk with her more. If that's difficult, maybe a few sessions with a therapist (for you) would help you help her.

Additionally, the more artificial means we use to kill pain the more we diminish our own abilities to manufacture natural pain killing chemicals. Also, pain is a warning sign that needs to be heeded. Whatever she is medicating needs attention.

Lastly, many of us have learned from our parents rescuing us from emotional pain that pain is something we should not have to endure. Upon believing we should not have pain, we create a fear of or aversion of pain, which is a painful way to live and makes us prone to addiction.

Grieving is a measure of meaning. If you had a deep love for your father, you will not likely finish grieving in one month. However, grieving needs to include crying Many people, especially men, try to bypass the crying and prolong the feelings of deep loss. Make time to grieve and then get up and go back to life. Do this every day until you don't need to do it every day. Gradually, you will grieve less and less. Some times we have a hard time accepting death, itself, when we don't live authentic and open lives. That creates a fear of death, generally. There is one other important factor here. When we did not finish up our relationship with a parent, saying what we needed to say, we have a tendency to suffer "complicated bereavement", which lasts longer. For example, if we suffered a bitter rejection that we pretended away to get along, we may now bear a festering wound. Complicated bereavement may not be transcended until we excavate buried injuries and process them with someone or an empty chair in which you pretend he is there so you can tell him what you still need to say. If you don't cry in the process, you probably haven't really "gone there".

I'd say that you are onto something. We don't have symptoms for no reason. Maybe you can figure out together what closed space she endured. Believe it or not, it could even be the womb if she had a difficult birth. If you can talk about it, it will help, especially if she recalls what happened. My husband experienced his brother sitting on a truck in which he was hiding when they played hide and seek. He was so traumatized he became fearful of closed spaces. If you can't find the conscious memory, you may want to move on and get her dance classes, so she can openly and freely express herself in the space around her.

You do not seem to be aware of from where these feelings come. Low self-esteem is not inborn. It is learned from feedback usually from family, especially parents. Some feedback is flagrant and diminishing. Other feedback is almost invisible, making us feel insignificant. What has happened in your life to cause you to think less of yourself? This is important to know and as well as what the lie is that you have come to believe from some unconscious or unworthy "messenger". After you figure out why you think so little of yourself, examine the truth of it while you cease to buy into it. Buying into it causes further re-injury. You must not do that. Lastly, start fixing it. If the lie is that you are lazy, then start acting pro-active. Force yourself. If the lie is that you are not worth your parents' time, then find something that you could love to do that others might value as well. Become an expert. I find that clients who had many negative mirrors in childhood transcend low self esteem better when they become experts at something in life. Expertise gives us worth. Lastly, don't waste time pursuing a positive identity. Just live a meaningful life. That will give you what you need. Ego fulfillment is a waste of time. It is shallow and illusive.

OMG! Is this an epidemic? I just answered this same question above. Unfortunately, my answer has gone to the ethers. Bottom line, why is he taking pain killers? Why? Why don't you know why? How long has he been fearing pain? What is the pain from? Does he fear discomfort, itself?

Post Natal Depression is the triggering of one of our earliest traumas, if not the earliest trauma. If something happened to us as an infant that was not resolved, then having a baby brings that issue up for us on an unconscious level. It affected how we perceived ourselves, the world and our primary caregivers. Maybe it impacted our view of adults, experts or authorities (such as doctors). Maybe they made us feel helpless or worthless, by not seeming to connect with us over our emotional confusion and pain.

When we are very young we form our first semblance of identity based upon how we are treated. If we have a mother that drops us off with a stranger every day, she becomes the stranger that we are supposed to know. It's not what evolution had in mind. It makes us insecure.

We have mirror neurons that drive us to re-enact the way we are treated. Usually, the re-enactments happen as we become adults. Sometimes we can see it in children's play. Sometimes we can see it in acting out behavior. We are driven to treat others as we have been treated. What goes in must come out. What doesn't go in can't come out. It is precisely this phenomenon that inspired the Golden Rule: Do unto others as we would have them do unto you.

So, if your mother dropped you off at daycare and now you have an infant of our own, you have a hole in your intuition. Caring for our children brings up what happened to us. It brings up our feelings of inadequacy, because we are somehow supposed to treat this child in a tender and empathic way that we did not experience enough empathy ourselves. We are supposed to act as if we can provide trustworthiness to our child, but we don't feel that committed or reliable. That lack of commitment brings up further self-rejection and shame. We actually feel like leaving the baby, because we were left. It's mirror neurons + attachment deficits and insecurities + learned lack of trust. Add to that a belief in genetics plus an ethic that we are not to complain about mom, and we have shame for our feelings of anger and hurt.

It's a difficult conundrum to transcend, but sometimes it comes in a moment of actually seeing our child and falling in love. Sometimes we never make it there. We just fake it.

Dr. Faye

In my opinion, if it's a young child, it's wrong to exclude the parent. I believe one hour a week is nothing compared to the influence a parent has over a child all week long. I believe it's more important to educate the parent how to respond to the child than to treat the child.
If it's an older child, the law may protect the child's right to privacy.

I recommend seeing a psychologist over a psychiatrist. As a matter of fact, I recommend you see a marriage and family therapist over a psychologist. Yes, most psychiatrists are oriented toward medications and the medical model. Most believe genes instruct behavior to some significant extent, even 50%. Unfortunately, this trickles down and more and more psychologists adhere to a medical model, as well. I am a psychologist and a marriage and family therapist. I got my better education as an MFT, because it focused on experiences within the family as causes for behaviors. Therefore MFTs are more oriented toward natural cures, as well as prevention. Unfortunately, the medical model is trickling down into that discipline as well.

It depends upon the seriousness of the issue at hand or their theoretical orientation and the issues being treated whether therapy will last a long time or a short time. Sometimes it takes longer for patients who are in denial or are resistant. Some orientations are designed to get you in and get you out. Others are designed to stay with you for an extended period of self-examination so that you will gradually change and feel rather re-parented in the process. Others are faster and deeper, but they might also a bit more like having a hands on parent or coach, which includes criticisms for wrong choices and praise for good choices.

It depends upon a few things. First, how secure was your attachment in the first years of your life? Did your primary care giver leave you to go to work? Research shows that we are most vulnerable to trauma as adults when we have insecure attachments (which are the worst of all trauma, and it happens so young). So, did someone else close to you die? Did someone close to you leave you?

Second, it depends on what type of therapy you did. If you revisited the trauma and worked it through then it would not come back.

Third, what has happened recently that may have reawakened your traumatic memory (to the degree it remained untreated)?

As you know depression stems from a chronic feeling, often backed up or generated by a thought. Sometimes the thought is indescribable, but still it is a belief about yourself, others or the world. Whatever the thought, it is a lie, unless you create a self-fulfilling prophesy. It's your job to identify the lie (i.e. "I am worthless;" "I'm a fraud;" "I am unloveable;" "The world is unsafe;" or "I dare not trust anyone, lest they leave me,") Next, from where or who did the lie come? Is that source worth taking to the bank? Can you convince yourself that the source is wrong? Will you?

You have to act counter to the lie. You may have to risk taking chances, since taking chances has its pay offs as well as risks. You may have to risk giving your heart away even if there are no guarantees (and work on the traits you have developed that could push someone away). You may have to risk going for broke to achieve something, so you can see you are not worthless. You may have to give up criticizing or controlling others so that you don't worry so much that they judge you.

Depression is only permanent if it goes untreated, and I do not mean medication.