There are a variety of sexual identities in this world and each individual has his or her own sexual identity. One type of sexual identity is demisexuality. It is not as commonly heard and many people may also ask, "What is demisexual?"
If you don’t know much about this sexuality other than hearing about it, then you have come to the right place to know more about the demisexual identity. To help you understand, this article has what you need to know about the demisexual identity.
So, what does demisexual mean? A demisexual is a type of sexual identity where people do not feel or experience any type of sexual attraction toward their partner unless they form a certain strong emotional connection. This terminology comes from a sexual orientation that is in between sexual and asexual orientations. However, it does not mean that a demisexual has an incomplete or half sexuality. It simply means that without the emotional intimacy, there is no sexual attraction formed. Moreover, the level of intimacy varies from one person to another. It also does not mean that there is no sexuality without the emotional intimacy.
In general, a demisexual individual is not sexually attracted to any specific gender unless there is a strong emotional bond formed.
There are various hypotheses about demisexuality, and according to one, a demisexual person will not go on to experience any type of sexual attraction at the first or few meetings, but will generally go on to develop a secondary sexual attraction toward the prospective partner.
A demisexual's primary sexual attraction is based on one's looks, how other people dress up, other people's personality, etc. The secondary form of sexual attraction, on the other hand, occurs from the connection one has established with the partner such as romantic moments, status of the person, or how close the person is to the other person. The latter form of attraction usually happens to a demisexual person.
When categorizing, demisexual falls under the gray-A umbrella. There are various ways where the demisexual differs a lot from the gray asexual. One way is that a demisexual falls between the sexual and asexual category, while the gray-A is used for anything that does not fall into the categories of sexual and asexual.
In many cases, due to the nature of the demisexual, it may be hard to form a romantic relationship with a demisexual person due to the absence of any sexual attraction in the primary stage. The first impression that a demisexual makes with other sexual orientations is "just friends", which will result them giving less value to a sexual relationship with the other sex.
Am I demisexual?
After knowing the definition of what demisexual is, let’s take a look on how to determine if someone is a demisexual or not. There are various ways you can check whether you are a demisexual or not.
1) Demisexual individuals have mixed feelings about sex.
Most demisexual individuals have repulsion or are indifferent toward the concept of sex. For example, if you find a conversation taking a turn toward sex, you will certainly feel uncomfortable, and you are definitely confused on how to participate in the conversation. Many demisexuals also feel anxious about sex in general. Most probably, a demisexual may masturbate and yet do not understand why the same feelings need to be shared with another individual. On the other hand, such person will term "sex" as an expression of love and also of intimacy, rather than a human urge or craving. Moreover, if such individuals want to enjoy sex, they will need to feel an emotional connection beforehand with their partner.
2) The term "attraction" may have a different meaning in demisexuality.
Most school-aged demisexual individuals will feel disconnected from conversations that include "sex" and "crushes". When such people are asked about their crushes, they will rather avoid the question or sometimes give made-up answers as well. They may not feel the common sexual urge that other sexuals may feel and some may not get the idea of visiting a strip club and putting up posters of naked and physically fit people.
3) A demisexual may like the idea of sex and be interested in it but can’t think of anyone who is suitable for it.
This situation is very common with all demisexual individuals. In many cases, a demisexual may be interested in sex like any other sexuals, but when it comes to doing it, they will lose sexual interest if they do not find anyone appealing enough for it. A demisexual may go to a party and wait for someone to stand out as sexually attractive but no matter how pleasant that person may look, a demisexual does not find anyone as such because he or she only starts to feel sexually attracted in the secondary phase after emotionally connecting with that person.
4) There are many demisexuals who may have had sex based on feelings of obligation.
For such individuals, it may be nothing more than a usual activity in their relationships. Many may have tried doing it in the past, thinking they might end up liking the experience. However, after several attempts, enjoyment still never happens.
5) For most demisexuals, the idea of flirting is rather uncomfortable or they just don’t get it at all.
Instead of flirting, demisexuals usually have a deep conversation to get to know other people and to form an emotional connection. That is why is flirting may seem pointmess to them. At many times, they may even feel frustrated if they cannot carry out a proper conversation with the person, especially if the other person continues to carry on with the flirting during the conversation. A demisexual may even tend to avoid places such as parties, pubs, and clubs where flirting is quite common. However, if a demisexual does it, most probably they are happily oblivious or on high alert.
6) Demisexual individuals may find it difficult to date or may feel nervous about having sex.
Other demisexuals may prefer dating only their friends. Perhaps a demisexual may actually want to be in a relationship but the concept of casual dating is not appealing to them. They also find the idea of having sex only after having a few dates unacceptable. Demisexuals actually prefer the idea of having a long-term relationship that has emotional intimacy before getting physically and sexually attached. Demisexual people can also find the idea of dating a lot of different individuals very daunting and putting too much effort into it. However, it is a very common feeling to be sexually attracted toward an individual, who is close to the demisexual.
7) Even if demisexuals may experience sexual attraction, it may be exclusive or confusing for them.
It is easy to feel confused when you're a demisexual because of the frequency of your sexual attraction. However, the idea of getting sexually involved with a friend does not seem daunting. When such person has feelings for a certain individual, it can be impossible for them to get attracted to another individual. In fact, they cannot imagine the idea of cheating with anyone outside of their relationship as they will not find anyone else as sexually attractive as their current partner.
Sometimes, assessing all the factors can be quite hard for anyone to determine if a certain person is a demisexual or not. The reason is that only demisexuals feel and know what they are experiencing and can label themselves as such. Many demisexuals prefer not to use such term when identifying their sexuality. If the word "demisexual" helps other people to understand them more, it is fine to use the term. However, such preference varies from one person to another.
Many people find it convenient to label themselves as demisexual as it will help them to stay away from any unnecessary relationships. Remember that they are not ready to be in one unless there is a strong emotional bond present between the demisexual and the person.
Anyone can take demisexual tests or quizzes to know whether they are demisexual or not. These quizzes usually have a variety of questions, which the person will need to truthfully answer to get approximate results.
This is another label that is defined as someone who is attracted romantically to any individual, regardless of sexual orientation. However, the person still needs to be emotionally connected with their partner for any sexual attraction to take place.
Since demisexual individuals tend to fall for a person with whom they have strong emotional feelings with, dating a demisexual can be quite tricky most of the time. Casual dating is unacceptable for a demisexual as there is no close emotional bonding with the person. Moreover, the concept of casual dating is quite fast-paced in nature. However, it is still possible for demisexuals to find a suitable partner if they want to be in a long-term relationship. The following are simple strategies for demisexual dating:
- When one is looking for a prospective partner online as a demisexual, the person can go through the questions that have been already answered by the prospective partner and check whether that person is compatible with the other one. Online dating is the best platform as it requires a very low investment rather than the conventional method of dating. Some dating sites can also let you label yourself as demisexual to allow you to find the right partner.
- Try to develop friendships with other people and let them know that you would like to be friends first before moving forward to another type of relationship. Many people respect such decision and agree to it as well. This way you can effectively weed out those who require immediate relationships and those who would like to go slow-paced.
- Most demisexuals may feel that if they come out to their partner as demisexual, it will help to lessen a lot of issues in the relationship. However, it is not an obligation to come out to your partner. If people do not want to come out as demisexual, they can instead explain to their partner to wait for a certain period of time before they would take their relationship to another level if they are unsure how their partner would take it and react if they come out with a different sexual orientation. Some people may be scared that if they come out as demisexual, their partner would leave them. In such case, it is best not to come out as one.
- Demisexuals should communicate well with their partners as good communication is one of the main components needed for any type of relationship to succeed. It is all right to be yourself and your partner should always respect your decisions as well as boundaries. The demisexual may also be very specific and clear about their boundaries. Ensure that your partner understands your needs and wants, and encourage the same for your partner. However, if your partner is unclear about his or her feelings, always make sure to be clear with yours.
Anyone can be a demisexual and it is perfectly ok to be one. It is up to you if you want to be labeled as demisexual or not. Just because demisexuals do not get sexually attracted to other people at first, does not mean that there is something wrong with them. They simply need to get emotionally connected to other individuals before they can feel sexual attraction.