“Do my partner and I need relationship counseling?”
We've been together for over 10 years and nothing we do seems to help. We've been fighting over very small issues, almost constantly. Like what we're going to eat for dinner, for example. Do my partner and I need relationship counseling?
6 Answers
So, if I want to have steak for dinner, but you are vegan, you don't have to say, "How many times do I have to tell you I don't eat me?" Instead, you say something smarter and less offensive, "I guess you don't really believe that I'm a vegan." There are differences in the presentation. To begin with, the former is domineering and demeaning. The latter is humble and a little playful.
You may say, "You never listen. I already told you that I have an appointment Friday night at 6:30." It would be better to say, "I know there are so many things to remember, you probably forgot. I have an appointment 6:30 Friday."
I remember telling one client to "Complain nicely," and he said to me, "That would be no fun." Sometimes we just want revenge. I have a new business partner. She was helping me out by doing the billing, and I was helping her out by switching over to her as my biller for 8% of my earnings. She called last night to apologize for having forgotten to send in my billing for over a month since she finished it. I took it as an opportunity to prove to her that I am safe. Anyone who apologizes to me for anything is safe. I said, "Oh, that explains things. It's OK. What did you tell Robert about our new deal?" In other words, after the apology, I changed the subject to clarify that it was over.
You will argue until you discover how to treat each other the way you want to be treated, such that you always leave the other better than you found him or her. To over-simplify, when I say "Ouch," you say, "Whoops." "Whoops" can mean, "I will have to give that some more thought," or "I'm really sorry. I'll try to do better."
So many people go to therapy for a mediator. You need to learn how to treat each other and how to talk to each other. Most of us are on some automatic formula we inherited from our childhoods. We have to revise our MO in order to transcend. You can figure it out together, find a therapist who teaches relationship skills, or you can buy my new book when it's out, hopefully before Christmas. It will be entitled: I, Thou: Our Rights and Responsibilities to One Another in Our Relationship.
Dr. Faye
You may say, "You never listen. I already told you that I have an appointment Friday night at 6:30." It would be better to say, "I know there are so many things to remember, you probably forgot. I have an appointment 6:30 Friday."
I remember telling one client to "Complain nicely," and he said to me, "That would be no fun." Sometimes we just want revenge. I have a new business partner. She was helping me out by doing the billing, and I was helping her out by switching over to her as my biller for 8% of my earnings. She called last night to apologize for having forgotten to send in my billing for over a month since she finished it. I took it as an opportunity to prove to her that I am safe. Anyone who apologizes to me for anything is safe. I said, "Oh, that explains things. It's OK. What did you tell Robert about our new deal?" In other words, after the apology, I changed the subject to clarify that it was over.
You will argue until you discover how to treat each other the way you want to be treated, such that you always leave the other better than you found him or her. To over-simplify, when I say "Ouch," you say, "Whoops." "Whoops" can mean, "I will have to give that some more thought," or "I'm really sorry. I'll try to do better."
So many people go to therapy for a mediator. You need to learn how to treat each other and how to talk to each other. Most of us are on some automatic formula we inherited from our childhoods. We have to revise our MO in order to transcend. You can figure it out together, find a therapist who teaches relationship skills, or you can buy my new book when it's out, hopefully before Christmas. It will be entitled: I, Thou: Our Rights and Responsibilities to One Another in Our Relationship.
Dr. Faye
Relationship counseling can very helpful when things become problematic and difficult to work through. Couples therapy is a great way to learn valuable communication skills to decrease frequency and intensity of verbal altercations.
Thank you,
Patricia Harris | MA, LPC
Thank you,
Patricia Harris | MA, LPC
Marital counseling can be highly beneficial to couples. Relationships take a lot of work and over time can become routine and dull. Counseling has helped many couples who struggle with martial concerns. Never a bad idea to try!
These links will help you address this question:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201203/5-principles-effective-couples-therapy
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201203/couples-therapy-the-four-questions
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201203/5-principles-effective-couples-therapy
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201203/couples-therapy-the-four-questions
It is likely that you and your partner could benefit from relationship counseling. It's often the case there are problematic patterns of interaction that plague couples; however, these patterns can be very difficult to recognize when you're part of the couple. A skilled marriage therapist can help couples understand what these patterns are and how can be changed.
Yes of course you two need counseling. Sometimes we grow apart in different ways and different speeds. We all deserve happiness in a relationship. If that isn’t going to happen then the two should go their separate ways.
